Kate Moss on Set…

B and I had a mini engagement shoot yesterday.  Not to sound like a complete narcissist, but I have been incredibly excited about the thought of a real life photo shoot – with a real life photographer – with my real life fiance – and poring over shot after shot of gorgeousness trying to decide which perfect image captured our real life love in all of its entirety and is suitable for permanent display for the rest of our lives.

Yeah… that’s not really how it happened.

Not that I was really expecting a dimly-lit set with bumping dance/techno music, an undeniably gay english man in a fedora and thick-rimmed glasses yelling “Gawr-geous!  That’s it honey!  Work it, work it…” from behind the camera, and Tyra looking over the proofs telling us how fierce we are…

………..

Ok fine!  Kind of.  Whatever.  I watch America’s Next Top Model, of course that’s what I thought of.

Anyways, I’ll tell you what I most definitely did NOT expect, and what I explained to Mr. Photog (tall, stringy, old, and kind of pedophilic – NOT Jay Manuel like I was hoping) even though I thought it complete common sense and maybe even insulting to have to say to a man who’s spent the last THIRTY FIVE YEARS photographing weddings:

“I just really don’t want any pose-y pose-y shots.  You know, like prom pose and senior pictures.” 

He assures me that’s not what he does.  These are your engagement pictures!  This is what’s going to set the tone for your wedding!  You will look at these photos forever and remember the love you felt and what joy planning the day of your dreams was!  Now go sit on that painted canvas drop-cloth and wait for me to set my exposure.

And then this happened:

And then some of this:
A little bit of this maybe:
“Now sir, tilt your head just a liiiiiittle to the left… little more… little m… There!  Smiles!  Come on, show me some teeth!  There it is… oh, that’s nice.”
Tuesday we’ll stop in to see the “masterpieces” he’s created for us.  I’m certain I have the same expression in every shot because anytime I tried to half-smile, act serious, or look at B like I love him and not like he’s telling a bad joke and I’m being kind and smiling anyways… nope.  He was not having that.  I said I wanted candid!  Capture us acting like we are in love!  Not like we’re at JC Penney getting portraits taken!
Luckily I got a good deal on the session.  After looking at the price list I’m not sure there’s an option to purchase the rights to the shots and print on our own.  WTF can I do with a low-res cd other than post them on FB?  You’re insane if you think I’m droping $40+ for that.  $30 for eight wallets?  What am I going to do, write on the backs and pass them out during homeroom?
So all in all it was pretty miserable.  Did I mention it took us 45 minutes to get there?  I left all sorts of pissed off, and demanded a Quiznos toasted veggie sub with extra guacamole to cool my jets.  Plug into Garmin, drive for eternity, and finally pull up to my personal oasis (quiznos) and… they’re closed.  F!  Are you serious with me right now?!  I would stab somebody for a taste of that toasty goodness and a Sobe light to wash it down.
Fine.  There’s another one 3 miles down the road.  Drive, B.  Faster!
I bet you already guessed this one would be closed too, didn’t you?  Smartass.
At this point I sunk into my seat and crossed my arms and pouted like the 5 year old I am, and exclaimed that I didn’t really want a stupid sub anyways, just take me home.  After about 40 seconds B makes a turn and I’m all “Where are you going?  This isn’t the right way.  Turn around.  I saaaiiiiddd, take. me. HOME.”
2 minutes later I mumbled my thanks through a mouthful of perfectly toasted 9-grain wheat filled with delicious mushrooms, sauteed onions, a large assortment of fresh veggies and giant gob of guac.  Money might not buy love, but lunch at Quiznos sure can.
Your (not) Top Model in Training,
Sarah Soon-To-Be

 
(image sources:
because bad shots deserve credit, too!)
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