I Haven’t Murdered Anybody Or Caused Bodily Harm To Myself

Thanks, everyone, for your well-wishes, virtual hugs, and tales of similar bridal meltdowns – hopefully this is the last of it and we can have smooth sailing from here on out.  Right?!!

(Did I just jinx myself?  Crap.)

My ring is safe at the jeweler, and it will stay there until it can be hand-delivered to me, in person, this weekend.  One more week of pretending to be single!  Watch out, all you scrubby surfers,  smaller-pants-size-than-me hipsters,  and middle-agers in your $900,000 cars…

Boy I’m glad I don’t have to play in this dating pool.  Yuck.

Anywho, I leave this Friday (!!!) for Ohio (wedding isn’t until NEXT Sunday), so this week is going to be kinda hectic.  Packing, teeth-whitening, frantically trying to make my nails grow to an acceptable & photographable length… Hair appointments, last-minute shopping for whatever important item I’ve surely forgotten, and voodooing all these stress zits away…

Then it’s finally time for the fun to start.  :)

I’ve got lots of fun wedding-related posts coming up, and possibly a visit back to the Vegas Bachelorette Weekend, but for now it’s Monday AM catch up.

  • If you have a wedding horror story, severe planning breakdown tale, or the hookup on some free Xanax, now’s the time to speak up.  Comfort me with your misfortunes and/or wise first-hand lessons…

Sarah Soon-To-Be

28 thoughts on “I Haven’t Murdered Anybody Or Caused Bodily Harm To Myself

  1. Why, of course I’ll share my misfortune with you! On the day of my wedding, the minister that was supposed to marry us got in a car wreck and couldn’t make the ceremony. Mandalay Bay called EVERY OTHER hotel in the area to get a minister. One showed up without notifying the hotel, but because they had called another hotel that confirmed they would send someone, they SENT HIM AWAY. So, my guests waited over an hour outside for me, while my brother (who gave me away) and my best friend (MOH) drank beers in the hotel lobby completely decked out while drunk people in shorts walked by.

    This worked out for the hotel since they had my MOH’s bouquet wrong and had plenty of time to redo it.

    Miller light in wedding dresses is where it’s at, by the way.

    Oh, I like your new profile pic!


  2. I’ve got the Xanax AND sleeping pills… whatever you need sister. We’ll just meet in a dark alley in Santa Ana for the exchange. I’ll be wearing a do-rag and a black trench coat.


  3. Ummm my stylist who was going to be doing my hair & all 5 of my bridesmaids hair cancelled at 9 am the day before my wedding. Yes, you read that right. CANCELLED on us.

    Yes, after frantic phone calls and tears we all got a local salon to open early for us and all that jazz but seriously…


  4. Haha, deal!!!! My dress never came in, so a week before the wedding, I had to buy a dress off the rack that needed very little alterations because the seamstress in the teeny town I got married in hated doing wedding dresses. The day of the wedding, I was supposed to get my hair done at this place called Bee-Bops Hair Shop (God only knows what my mother was thinking) and they proceeded to give me a bee-hive. I ran out of there screaming from an overdose of Aquanet and then had to try and convince someone in the teeny tiny town to do my hair (finally found someone and it looked amazing!). And then, we forgot to bring the rings to the wedding. Oh, and we don’t really have any photos because my photographer got wasted and didn’t take any.
    Your day is going to be beautiful!! Any and all mishaps just make the experience more memorable :)


  5. Can’t wait to hear about the wedding festivities! I have no intention of getting married anytime soon, so I love reading about everyone else’s weddings. Plus I will be a complete bridezilla and really hoping to run away and elope.
    I recently read about PageSpicer’s wedding dress problems. They altered her dress too small! Like 3 inches too small and she had to get a completley new dress. and is getting married in a month.
    Have fun in ohio!


  6. I got sick the Thursday before my Saturday wedding. FULL BLOWN cold. It was miserable. I drank airborne like it was my job until Saturday morning. Thankfully I felt fine on my wedding day, but I was a hot mess thursday & frirday.

    I was a 2 dress bride. I ordered one dress.. when it came in it was to small. wtf. the sample size was sized wrong.. so they re-ordered. When it came in I had a serious meltdown in the dressing room. Like, sitting on the floor sobbing because I hated the dress.. the poor lady that was helping us. I was able to exchange my dress for a dress that i loved.


  7. Things that happened before/during wedding: My dad backed into my car on the way to the rehearsal dinner. Why it didn’t matter: I skirted off on a honeymoon and let Pops figure out the insurance and came home to a completely fixed car. My DJ got kidney stones while setting up my reception and had to go to the hospital. Why it didn’t matter: he found an awesome replacement and I didn’t even know this happened until we were at the reception and thought the DJ looked different than I remembered. The bottom back panel of my lace up dress appeared to be missing and it was where the bustle was supposed to go. Why it didn’t matter: A sliver of skin showed and my Mama jerryrigged an awesome bustle using some safety pins. It’s your day – enjoy your friends and your family and all will be awesome, none of the little hiccups matter.


  8. My meltdown looked something like coming out of the shower in full-on ugly cry mode blubbering to my fiance that my hair was falling out. “I am going to be a bald bride,” I sobbed. I think we will make it because he did not laugh at me (until much, much later), use physical violence or slide me a pre-nup after that. Keeper.


  9. A few weeks before my wedding I called to set up my appointment to apply for a marriage license. They do them by appointment only in Hawaii. It didn’t occur to me that the health department was closed on Saturdays–the day we flew in, and we were getting married Sunday. When I found out I called and changed our flights that had been booked for a year to Friday… $200 for each of us. I called back again to make the appointment and that Friday was a state holiday. Closed again. A smart person might have said, “You ARE open Thursday, RIGHT??” before changing their flight. Not me. I called and change our flights again. Another $200 each… $800 total, plus the extra nights at the hotel. Called back to make the appointment… Closed Thursday for the Holiday too. I burst into tears and when she asked me what was wrong she was a little surprised that I didn’t know I didn’t have to go to the health dept. for our license… they have independent reps that do it on nights, weekends and holidays. I figured my fiance would freak, and I was crying like a crazy persone when I called him. I wasn’t paying another $400 to change them back… besides, it bought me two more days in Hawaii :-)


  10. You don’t mind me blowing up your comments, right? I just remembered another…
    The centerstone fell out of my engagement ring and was lost THREE times in 9 months. The last time they said they were shipping it off to a specialty shop and I’d have it back in four months… my wedding was in two. They told me they’d let me pick a new design, but it had to be double the purchase price and we had to pay the difference. After throwing the biggest bitch fit they agreed to let me choose another design for double the purchase price and they paid the difference and told me they’d have a brand new ring for me in two weeks. It’s legal to shank people when the


  11. Our invitations were my nightmare. I found an amazing artist on Etsy and commissioned her to design and print our invitations. I wanted to have the invitations by June because our wedding was in September, and this would give me plenty of time to address them. Our invitation-lady let us know that she would be going on vacation for July and August, but would make sure to mail our invitations before she left so we wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Needless to say, by the time it was the middle of July and we still hadn’t received our invitations I was starting to get nervous. I e-mailed our designer and it turns out she had forgot to mail the invitations. She had a friend finally go to her studio and mail the invitations and I received them the first week of August.

    Once our invitations were addressed I went to the post office to have them weighed so I could get all of the correct postage. The lady there said that they were just a single regular stamp (which I was surprised about because they were square which is apparently supposed to cost more, and they also contained a CD which I figured would put them overweight). I asked her a million times if she was sure and each time she said she was. Naive me then went home, put the postage on the envelopes and then went back to the post office the next day to mail all of them. Needless to say, the guy at the post office then told me I didn’t have sufficient postage and I had to add two additional stamps to each envelope. I was ANGRY but I mailed the invitations and figured I was done with it.

    The next morning I left on a business trip for a week and came home to find EVERY SINGLE INVITATION jammed into my mailbox, all crushed and marked with notes that the postage was insufficient by 8 cents each. It was now only three weeks until the wedding and my invitations hadn’t been mailed! Everything ended up turning out okay, but that was definitely the biggest stress of wedding planning.



  12. Oh lordy, I was a MESS 2 days before my wedding. I was originally told that we would have all day to set up our venue. I had plans with my Day of coordinator for her to be at the reception site bright and early to start setting up and everything. Well, on the night of our rehearsal, a bomb was dropped that there would be a Susan G Komen fundraiser in our venue and we wouldn’t be able to set up until an hour before. WTF. I was also originally told that if they booked another event, that they would check with me to make sure it was okay and refund me some money as an incentive. They did NONE of that. I was freaking out because an hour is SO not enough time to set up for a friggin wedding. I went off on the lady that double booked and I MAY have told her that she should be seriously kissing my butt right now because of how she is messing everything up. Yeah, bridezilla. It all turned out fine and it ended up being an amazing day. I may have been stressed the day before, but the day of I was calm cool and collected. I honestly didn’t have a care in the world. Things weren’t perfect, but I honestly think that made it even more special. It gives us something to look back on and laugh at. You will have an amazing day no matter what and that is because you are marrying your man!!! That is all that really matters!! :) :) :)


  13. Oh and I scheduled appointments over a month in advance for 3 of my bridesmaids and myself to get our makeup done at MAC on the day of the wedding. I made the appt for 9 am. My hair was running late, so I didn’t get there til 9:15 or so but I got there to locked doors. They weren’t even open yet. They didn’t open til 10:30. Enter panic mode. I must have made the appts at a different location on accident. They didn’t have any openings either. I started crying to the manager saying that I need to look pretty for the wedding. She was AMAZING and not only took me and did my makeup personally but they took all my bridesmaids too! Oh and I tried to give her a kick booty tip and she would not accept it. She said that seeing me so happy was tip enough. Crisis averted.


  14. Some advice! Either be the bride who knows exactly exactly exactly what’s going on, or accept that on that day everything won’t be exactly how you imagined. E.g. our wedding coordinator gave the junior bridesmaids’ bouquets to our moms and this really annoyed me. Obviously I didn’t realize this til later but I should have been more clear. Just things like that, make sure everything is clear or don’t stress about it, you either be very involved or be very relaxed when little things aren’t going as planned.

    My other advice is how you hold your bouquet! This seems obvious but I didn’t realize it until I saw the pictures! I kept holding mine high like at my waist with my arm at a 90deg angle, so it looked a bit like a torch in some pictures. I think if you hold it a bit lower it will look more natural. Luckily I don’t have any disaster stories. Good luck and have a wonderful day! Actually one more thing- don’t kill yourself with stress these next two weeks, the 2 weeks before my wedding were stressful but a really fun wonderful time, so don’t forget to enjoy every minute of it!


  15. CONGRATULATIONSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Everything will go smoothly and if for some reason it doesn’t it’ll only make for a better story. ;) YAY so exciting!


  16. Not too many disaster stories on my end (that I know of!) but something is bound to go wrong. You just have to remember that this is your day, it happens once in a lifetime, and enjoy EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of it! Seriously it will go by so fast so make sure you take a minute with B to step back and really take it all in.

    One thing that did happen at our wedding was the families were supposed to stay behind in the church after the ceremony was done so that we could all take pictures there. My whole family stayed and we came in after the receiving line to find my husbands parents GONE. Like didn’t even walk through the receiving line, up and left to head to the reception that started 3 hours later. His dad is handicapped so I figured that was why they didn’t even come through the receiving line and not they were just being assholes lol. So needless to say when we got to the reception and they wanted to spend hours taking pictures I gave them 10 minutes – seriously. Don’t mess with me on my wedding day bitches ; )


  17. I never comment but I had to commiserate :) I got married October 2010. Less than a week before the wedding my mother-in-law decided to invite about 10 extra people without asking me, people for which we had no room or budget. I also had a wicked sinus infection, was coming back from a stress fracture while training for a half, my grandmother had just died, and my fiance accidentally got arrested 10 days before the wedding. I swear it was accidental. I was sick so he was at the grocery store getting stuff for me and accidentally walked out without paying for his electric toothbrush heads. What real shoplifter steals those? I sooooooo feel your pain, but you are awesome and beautiful and your wedding is going to be amazing


  18. My husband’s tux was missing on morning of the wedding. No where to be found. After a couple hours of looking and freaking out, it had apparently been given to his Dad instead (they have the same name) and so his dad had 2 tuxes because his wife picked him one up and he picked one up himself. Anyway, the lost was found and it all worked out but still caused a minor freak out.

    Enjoy this last week and a half…it goes by fast and soon it will be over! Try to soak it all up, even the minor freak outs :)


  19. Vegas bacherolette party sounds like trouble…and a blast! I can’t wait to hear about it. I WISH I had a bride story for you. The boyfriend just isn’t convinced yet, Feel free to come down and kick his ass for me! :)


  20. SO glad to hear your ring is safe and sound and waiting for you. I have sent my ring between NJ and Buffalo to be resized/reset/etc. and got nervous every time I did it!

    Hmmm what can I say about my wedding. Overall, things went pretty good – only little bits of drama along the way. I’ve heard of many more things going wrong at weddings.
    1. My sister backed out on being a bridesmaid right before we had to order the dresses. She instead was going to help with programs, etc….but stayed out late drinking the night before my wedding, got a migraine, was late to come pay for my wedding hair (her shower gift to me) and there was some wedding-morning drama as she realized she was out of her prescription migraine meds. Loved that.
    2. I remember there was some situation with Men’s Wearhouse not having the right tux for my dad when they said it would be ready. He ended up having to go back the next morning (it wasn’t really close to my parent’s house…on the day of the wedding) and it still wasn’t exactly the right size.
    3. I was annoyed that a couple of the songs we requested of our DJ…months in advance…were pretty crappy sound quality. Not sure what happened, but the DJ was also a little too pushy with the cake cutting and the dances and everything and that left a bad taste in my mouth. And we didn’t even do all the typical wedding stuff (i.e. we skipped the garter/bouquet)


  21. Pingback: 2011 – When I Wasn’t Running « Once Upon a (L)ime


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