Guestpost : Bridezilla Attacks!

L here again…

I’ve known Sarah since we were 2… no joke. Weren’t we cute?!  

 

I’ve been there for the best of times and the worst, and our friendship has continued to grow.  I have so much respect for her.  She’s strong, composed, has a type-A personality, and is kind of a control freak.  (ok, a lot)

When she and B finally got engaged and she asked me to help out with some of the planning I just knew there was potential for disaster.

Source: http://www.bridalwave.tv

I mean, I have known her since the days of Barbie weddings and the remote-control T-Rex we used to play with.  Little did I know 23 years later she would morph into a hybrid of the two….

Source: http://www.tucsonweddingsite.com

Just kidding…

Kind of.

Just for fun I have put together some short scenarios from the whole wedding planning experience for your enjoyment/Sar’s embarassment.

If you ever have to deal with a Bridezilla, keep these tips in mind…

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How To Deal with a (self-proclaimed) Bridezilla

Think Outside of the Box. 

Sar claims she has a slight form of agoraphobia (social anxiety).  In April, B’s mom threw her an awesome bridal shower, where Sar said she was uncomfortable opening gifts in front of everybody.

(Even though I’m 99% sure her hangover from the Dive Bar Bus Tour was mostly to blame : )

… THEN she said she “refused to unwrap ANY gifts” at the one MT, SheaShea, & I were planning for her, and insisted I tell everyone to “bring cash, check, or nothing at all.”  Umm ok, crazy…

A+ Bridesmaid Solution : For her Corntown Shower we went totally non-traditional.

No “unwrapping” ceremony.  Only a few short games (mostly for an excuse to give out sweet prizes like a Cleveland Indians towel & mug).  Other than that, we just sat outside, drank A LOT of wine, and listened to the band harass Sarah.

Make Her Laugh.

Make your boyfriend (he appears later) have a bonfire after the shower and get drunk as a skunk.  Make it known to everyone you are going commando, slur your words, sit in your lawn chair with a pasted-on smile, lick your friend’s arm, slam Busch lights & marshmallows dipped in PB.  Give her a good laugh. 

A+ Bridesmaid Solution :  Not that I did this or anything…. Just giving advice… ;)

Let it Roll off Your Back.

Friday night was rough (see above).  We had spa plans Saturday morning, which I may have been 20 minutes late for, due to the afformentioned Busch-slamming.

The moment I walked in, I got reamed.  Usually when Sarah gets upset, I can just laugh in her face or completely ignore her altogether.  I think that’s why we’re such good friends.  This time was different.  I felt my whole body get hot and my eye started twitching. I walked over to the mimosa station, grabbed one and dumped it over her head drank the dang thing and silently changed into my robe. 

A+ Bridesmaid Solution :  I knew this would be the first rant of many, so I just ignored it.  Then we (the bridesmaids) had bets going all weekend on who would be the next victim of Sarah’s wrath.  (It was me,  Every. Time.)

Tell the Bride When She’s Being Absolutely Ridiculous.

When I learned of the venue, I was excited. When I learned of her non-traditional seating, I was a little weary, but liked it.  When I learned of her menu (veg-friendly, heavy appetizers)?  I saw dads, boyfriends, cousins, friends and uncles sneaking out of the reception and running to Panini’s—thick sandwiches served with your fries & coleslaw on top —  to satisfy their appetites.  (and meat cravings)

(we ended up doing this anyway, btw.  Dang drunk munchies..) 

 

See what I mean? This is the type of men we’re dealing with here… (This is actually a real photo of a very important wedding guest…)

A+ Bridesmaid Solution :  I sat her down and told her to put our dads and her country meat-and-potatoes friends in mind. She added some chicken to the menu right away.

Be  “That annoying as hell Person” Who Turns Everything Into a Positive.

The bellhop that showed up to take all the centerpieces & favors down from Sarah’s room to the reception was slow as hellllllll, and we were in a hurry.

A+ Bridesmaid Solution :  “But he was singing and smiling… He was so charming!  Ok, moving right along!  La dee da…”

Take One For the Team.

B’s parents rented out one of our favorite Cleve bars for the Rehearsal Dinner. The have a live lizard, 300+ beers, and all-you-can-eat popcorn.  MT and I noticed after dinner that Sarah was not herself – likely freaking out about last-minute details and loose ends that needed tied up.

A+ Bridesmaid Solution :  MT & I offered to leave the dinner early to help get shit done.  We left right as this started:

Bring Healthy Snacks.

These snacks must consist of mimosas, wine, snickers, peachie-o’s, pretzel m&m’s, marshmallows, mango habanero almonds, and veggies and hummus.

Allow the Bride to Make You Her Bitch.

“I refuse to leave the dance floor because if people aren’t dancing then they aren’t having a good time so GOFORCEEVERYONETOCOMEHERENOW!”  –  S

A+ Bridesmaid Solution : So what did MT and I do?  Drug everyone we could out on the dance floor.  Those who wouldn’t dance with us?  Got those suckers a 6% Great Lakes brew in hopes they’d join us later…

(And they did.)

Get the Bride Drunk.

The bar selection was one of the things about the wedding I was looking forward to the most. Full selection of liquors, wines, beer and Great Lakes beer….

Sorry, I know you keep hearing about this stuff… it’s a Cleveland thing. There’s just something about that beer that makes a person crazy. It’s like a magical delicious potion that affects your emotional and physical being.  Most of it is only 6% abv, but man, oh man, does it feel like more than that. One too many of those bad boys and you’re sure to be zip-lining down the paper lantern wire before the night’s over, or confessing your love to the Dave-Chappelle-skit-looking bartender…

A+ Bridesmaid Solution : Well, Sarah seemed a little tense, so naturally the best way I knew to relax her was to get her all liquored up!  I made sure she was double fisting had a drink in her hand all night.

Mission accomplished!

When You’re at Wit’s End, Ask For Help!

Leading up to the wedding Sar got a lot of advice about the big day.  Lots of it useful, some of it unwarranted, and some of it seemed pretty stupid :

“Take a moment to stand in the back with your groom and just take everything in,”

“Make sure you have sex on your wedding night,” and  

“Make sure you take time to eat!”

Sarah’s Dr. Jekyll side so kindly smiles and says “thank you, I will remember to do that”

… as her Mr. Hyde turns to me and says “I swear if one more friggin person tells me to eat on my GD wedding day I’m going punch them in the face!  Our menu is awesome and I love food —why would I not take time to eat?!”

This was going through my head at the reception as I watched her talk and talk, and food kept getting lower and lower.  I kindly (yet pushily) offered to get Sarah a plate, and she obliged.  I noticed that there were no plates at the salad station, where the attendant told me ‘You’ll have to go to another station to get one.‘  Next station didn’t have any either.  There were plates at the 3rd station, but  no food!  B was there trying to get a plate at the same time, and I gave him a “HELPME!” look. 

A+ Bridesmaid Solution : .  B took this one off my hands.  He turned to one of the attendants and asked kindly if there was more food coming out.  The worker, who obviously hadn’t gone through Customer Service 101, turned and said “nope, I don’t think so.”

Without missing a beat, B– with his plate with 4 penne noodles and measly 5 leaves of lettuce–said “Well, I am the groom and I haven’t eaten yet.  I would really like to have dinner.” 

A minute later the catering manager appeared with the head chef and apologized to B & Sar on the spot. God bless that man!

Improvise.

Call us cliché, but we love us some Journey.  My boyfriend especially.  About halfway through the night, the band began to play ‘Don’t Stop Believing’, and he went from sitting in his seat to on the dance floor in 2 seconds flat. 

Of course, everyone knows it’s “HIS song,” so he made his way to Sarah and started dancing like a wild man. Wellllllll, yeahhh, he may have accidentally stepped on her dress and may have broken the bustle.  Like, really broke it. Loop and button, TOAST.

A+ Bridesmaid Solution : I had a sash on my dress, so being funny I suggested she tie it around her dress to pull it up, like a belt.  She didn’t like that. I was going to suggest our friend’s suspenders, but decided against it.

3 hours later at the bowling alley, this happened…

I take full credit for that idea!

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So that’s my advice for all of you friends/sisters out there who may encounter a bridezilla or two in your lifetime!  Sorry it’s super long, but there are many facets of the ‘zilla that should not be overlooked.

– L

 * Please keep in mind a lot of this is exaggerated.  Sarah is not that much of a miserable bitch in real life and I really do love her.  I am honored to be a part of her big day and although there were a few snafus, I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.  It’s things like that, that give me something to hold over her head for the rest of her life make life interesting.  I really do think that B is her soul mate and man of her dreams.  Best wishes to Sarah and B as they begin their new “official” life together!

… Oh, and good luck, B!  ;)